Ryan, Florida

We meet in Ryan’s zen garden, consisting of a few folding chairs at the edge of his garage overlooking the front yard, which he’s curated over time.

To decompress after long days working with his team operating a heavy crane, Ryan can be found watering this garden. This is self evident as his lawn is the only green in sight, with the exception of his across the street neighbor who is lightheartedly referred to as “that f*cker over there.”

I’ve known Ryan for a few years now. When I think of the kind of guy that makes the world go round I think of Ryan. Salt of the earth, genuine, authentic, hard working. I’m just glad he can’t read so he’ll never see this and get too big an ego.

Ryan is a father to 4 sons, two step where his fatherhood journey began, and two biological, all with his wife. There is no light between the way he views and treats his step sons vs. his biological, in fact it took me quite some time to realize that they weren’t all biologically his.

This interview has been edited down from its original transcript…

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Micah

If you were to try and summarize, how would you describe what makes a great dad?

Ryan

First off, appearances are everything in this world. A great dad appears to be a strong man, and that's a little judging a book by its cover, but that goes a long way. You know it when you see it.

And then I watch people. How do they talk to their kids? Do they let their kids argue with them? I'm very much about discipline. I'm very much about structure. Consistency is number one. Are you consistent with everything that you do? If you're not, then you're just confusing your kids.

I've always felt that kids, when they have boundaries that they know, “here are the rules,” that they can then grow within those boundaries. Kids that don't have those set, when there's no structure, they're constantly trying to find where the walls are, and they're not growing, they're just trying not to be in trouble.

With all that being said, making sure they know that discipline is coming from a place of love. You know, “don't just say yes, like, do you understand why we're doing this?”

Micah

That kids know it's coming from a place of love and not anger.

Ryan

Being comfortable saying, “I love you.” That's a big one for me.

Micah

So what makes a good dad is giving kids structure while making sure they understand they're loved. Being consistent; a consistent household, a loving household, to give the kid a healthy space to grow.

Ryan

To grow even through how chaotic life can be.

:: we pause as Ryan stops his 9mo old from eating a leaf in the yard ::

Life is chaos, but it's about finding all that stuff that I said within the chaos. Nothing usually works out the way it's supposed to be.

Micah

30,000 feet looking down, what are you shooting for with your kids? What's your compass always pointing towards?

Ryan

What I'm trying to instill in them is work ethic. Doing the right thing when no one's watching. I know that's a cliche but there's a reason it's a cliche. It's a cliche because it's good. Being hardworking, doing the right thing when no one's watching you, and being baptized by fire.

I'm going to give you enough knowledge to go out in the world, but I know there's going to be things you face that I couldn’t tell you about, or didn't think to tell you, but with the things I did tell you, you have enough knowledge to handle the unknown.

Micah

I love this answer. You're giving them wisdom, not just information. You're giving them wisdom so they can take on whatever comes at them that you could never know in advance.

Ryan

I hope that's what I'm doing. I think about this every day, “am I putting a bunch of idiots out into the world?”

Micah

Same man, there's enough of that already, we don't need to make more.

So all this comes from somewhere. Talk to me about how your dad might answer that question. What was he trying to instill in you?

Ryan

I believe my dad had a little different approach to it. He lost his father when he was 15, and suddenly he's thrust into a new role. Mom lost the farm, they were forced to move to the city, and I felt my dad raised me and my brother from a young age to be ready to live with life without him.

Micah

Wow. Was your grandfather’s death relatively unexpected?

Ryan

It was stomach cancer, it took him quick. They were west Texas farmers and when you lose the father back then, you kind of lose everything. And that's how I felt he raised us. He raised us very… self-sufficiently. Very blunt. “Life's coming at you, and it's coming hard. You better know what you're doing, and when you're doing it you better be where you say when you say.” It was harder for my brother than it was for me because I was the younger, but that's how I felt he was raising us, in anticipation that he wouldn't be there.

Micah

One of his most traumatic moments was losing his father, then his mother loses the farm he's like, “hey man if I was better prepared maybe we could have saved this.” Now he has sons and is determine to give them the tools necessary to overcome a similar situation.

Ryan

It made him tough, but loving. He showed up to everything possible, you know, and worked his ass off. He was very present, maybe only showed up for the last ten minutes of football practice because of work but he was always there as soon as he could be.

Micah

What do you think you take from him most directly? What have you translated into how you tackle being a dad?

Ryan

So I've actually struggled with because I bring this up a lot to him. I model my parenting and fathering after what he did, and you know what he tells me? “Maybe I wasn't right. Maybe that wasn't the right way to do it.” And it's like… I'm like… motherf*cker, but this whole thing… I'm modeling it after you.

Micah

He's the only model you had. He was your dad.

:: we pause again as Ryan’s 2nd to youngest child approaches with a firecracker ::

Ryan

But it was his discipline. Take shit from no one. Stand up for your kids, and take shit from no one. My dad was an absolute f*cking hard ass.

He fought my pee-wee football coach. I was falsely accused of saying and doing something, and I told my dad when he got there. He said, “Son, did you do it?” and I said, “No, sir.” And he went out to have a conversation and it ended in a shoving match.

He got back in the car and he said, “Son, no one's gonna wrongly accuse you of anything, always tell me everything.” That's what I always did, he had my trust.

Micah

Do you have any, obviously not fighting coaches, but comparable moments with your children where you've had to stand up for them?

Ryan

I don't know, but I've always just felt like I really just need to be standing behind them. My kids knowing that whatever situation life puts them in, they need to know that a strong man is standing behind them.

Whoever is standing against them needs to see me and know that this might be what they have to deal with. My wife says I've always been intimidating and I don't understand that because I'm 5'6".

Micah

You have a presence is how I would say that.

Ryan

And I guess I've developed it because of my father. I'm not going to take any shit from anyone.

Micah

That was a valuable moment for you, where you saw your dad standing in your defense.

Ryan

It was.

Micah

Those moments are the moments that you are now trying to live up to. You've now got to make sure your sons know that you've got their back.

Ryan

Right. If my kid tells me he’s being wrongly accused of something, I'll go to prison over it.

Micah

Talk to me about some of your most proud moments as a dad?

Ryan

With my oldest stepson, he is 17. He's about to journey out into the world. He's got a job, he's working, he's got a car, pays for his own gas. He came to me and he asked, “how do you budget your money?”

I have to say that's probably my proudest moment in recent memory because he's my stepson. He chose to come to me. And I told him how I did it. I said, “You know, may not work for you, but this is how I handle the family budget.”

Later he comes to his mom and hands her $28 to put in his bank account, $28. And mom says, “$28, that's a really weird number,” and he said, “well, that's all that's left in my budget.” He listened to me, and he trusted me, and he’s trying to start somewhere.

Another example I think about a lot, remember when we played Ocoee? That running back tried to break one outside and [2nd oldest stepson] was playing CB at the time. He nailed him with a textbook open field tackle, all the stuff I tried to teach him and he listened and it all was right there on that play.

One last example. One of the reasons I push sports, and I told this to [wife], is because I work for a man. He yells at me and I have to say, “I'll get it done, and I'll do better next time.” I want my kids to get used to getting yelled at by man. They’re going to work for a living and that's part of it. It's one thing to be yelled at by your father, or stepfather, but to learn to be scolded and then not be a little bitch about it. Say, “Yes sir you're right I didn't do what I was supposed to do and I'm gonna do better,” or “f*ck you, I did exactly what I was supposed to do and you're not going to talk to me this way.”

My oldest got that. When he became a freshman this really great wrestling coach came in and he was not about the bullshit. He was on his ass, expected a lot from him. My son knew it, and he embraced taking difficult lessons from a man in a position of authority.

Micah

What are some of your most joyful moments as a father?

Ryan

When they don't know I'm watching them and they're just having fun, and they don't have a care in the world. In those moments I feel like maybe that has something to do with me.

They feel safe enough to have fun and express their emotions. Watching them succeed, from afar, without my intervention. Sending them off and saying, “Alright, let’s see what you can do.”

Micah

That’s a beautiful f*cking answer, dude.

Ryan

You didn't think you had an intellectual here, did you.

:: we pause again to each open another beer, my payment for Ryan’s time on this Friday evening ::

Micah

You meet a guy that just found out he's going to be a first-time father. He's in an elevator with you, you've got seven floors with him. What quick wisdom are you giving him?

Ryan

Love them when they're little. They're only little once.

I’d tell him, “Kids are stupid, they're going to do stupid shit, they're going to forget their backpack, and you just have to grit your teeth and run with it. But the main thing is love them through it.”

:: we pause again as Ryan’s 2nd youngest turns the hose he’d been using to wash his rock collection on us ::

Love them when they're little. My dad told me that. You know why? His oldest brother was a drug addict, he was found in a field in a car, dead. How do you want to remember your kid?

God made them exactly how he wanted them to be, but he also gave everyone free will, and you’re supposed to overcome some things but not everybody does, so love them while they’re little because you never know how things are going to turn out.

Micah

If I talk to your kids 20 years from now, what would you hope that they say they got from you?

:: we admire the freshly washed rock collection together with Ryan’s son for a moment ::

Ryan

The importance of routine. The importance of family time. The importance of work-family balance. Is the dollar worth the time away from your kids? Is it worth the time away from what you really want to do?

The little things, the flowers, I'm not real good at it, but I would hope they say, “This is how you plant this because my father showed me how to do it.” Little stuff like that.

Helping people when they didn't ask for it, because it was the right thing to do. Doing the right thing when it's time to do the right thing.