Bob, Florida
We sit on the back porch of Bob’s duplex. My grandmother quickly shuffles over to move her ash tray away before he finds it. Bob married my grandmother when I was 1 year old, and although he’s been the primary male figure in my life, he was always simply “Bob” growing up. He never had any biological children of his own, but in the capacity we were given together I’m his son, and he’s my father.
Bob suffers from a degenerative eye disease that has caused him to lose his eyesight over his lifetime. Almost completely blind now, he occasionally catches shapes in the periphery of his remaining vision, but only really remembers what I look like from my childhood.
I prop my feet up on the wicker table, and my heel immediately goes through it. I don’t tell him, but he knows exactly what just happened. He looks my direction with a face that expresses exasperation.
This interview has been edited down from its original transcript…
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Micah
What makes a good dad? Like, when you've met good dads in the past, what are some of the character traits or attributes that are common among them?
Bob
A good dad is someone who cares more about what their child thinks than what their friends think.
Micah
So, somebody who is less worried about how they're perceived like, “how's this kid making me look?” They're putting that aside.
Bob
The important thing is, how does the kid feel about himself as opposed to how does the neighbor feel about the kid.
Micah
You were the primary father figure in my life, so 30,000 feet looking down, what were you always driving towards? What was your north star in times we were together?
Bob
Wow, that's a tough one. I wanted you to know that you were cared for, and hopefully we accomplished that. I wanted to let you know that you were capable of doing something if you made an effort to do it. And I wanted you to know, hopefully, that everybody counts, everybody's important. I don't know how successful I was, but…
Another problem, though, was the fact of the unusual situation we had. We're talking about something that happened almost 40 years ago. 40 years ago, you didn't adopt a child of a different race, and our biggest problem was you were with us for a while, then you weren't with us for a while.
You had your mother, and so you have a situation where a child has two very different opinions they have to listen to. One of them feels this thing is correct, the other one feels, “no, this is correct.” So now the child's in the middle, and they can't win either way.
Micah
You found it difficult to give me consistency.
Bob
Correct.
Micah
If I was talking to your dad, how would he answer that question? What was he trying to accomplish as a dad raising kids?
Bob
Yeah, that's a tough one. My father, from what I understand, when he was growing up there were a lot of problems at home that he carried into his adult life.
For instance, he had a temper that exploded with very little egging on, and the person who was responsible for that ended up crying, because when my father got mad, you were going to get whacked, and it didn't really matter what or why, you're going to get clobbered.
But also, my father was, when he was in high school, he was a four-letter athlete. He was baseball, basketball, football, and track. He got letters in all four of those. So he was very athletic, and this might be hard to believe, but I wasn't.
Now, whether it was because my reflexes are not that good, or my eyesight wasn't that good, or both, I just wasn't. So, I mean, I wasn't the best at anything. Growing up in the house wasn't easy. We really didn't spend a lot of time with our father. I mean, the most time we spent with our father was when he was getting mad at us.
Except when my father and I used to sit down and play pinochle together. He enjoyed stuff like that.
Micah
Do you remember him trying to instill any wisdom in any of those moments?
Bob
Not really. He used to tell us to do something and make sure we did it.
Micah
Was teaching anything in those moments?
Bob
No. He said, “go cut the grass.” So you went out and you cut the grass. Unfortunately, the only time my father ever seemed to pay attention, other than when we were playing pinochle, was when I was doing something wrong.
Micah
Let me ask it in the inverse. Are there things that your father did that you made sure to avoid in your adult life?
Bob
I tried to remember what I experienced, and I was hoping that you never experienced it.
One time I was sitting on the couch and I had my leg up on the table…
Micah
And I jumped over your leg and hurt your knee, I remember that still.
Bob
You almost fully landed on it, which probably would have broke my leg. And I was so freaking mad, I swung at you and I missed.
And at that point I said, wait a minute, that can't happen again. I can't, I could have hurt you. That's when I realized, like, whoa, I can't do that. That's stupid. And it scared the daylights out of me that I did it. I realized that I've just got to be careful because I've got that inside me. And I've got to make sure that it never gets out. I don't want to hurt you.
Micah
When it comes to your role as a father figure in my life, what are some of your most proud moments?
Bob
Well, see, that's difficult, because I've always been proud of you. I mean, are there times when I was more proud of you? Maybe, but you always, except when you were being a pain in the fanny, you did pretty good. You did pretty well in high school. You did pretty well at football, except you decided to score your first touchdown when I wasn’t there. And that time you fell in the sand when nobody was around to tackle you.
You know, you graduated from high school, you graduated from college, you just kept going and getting more experience than leaping up a level, which is absolutely amazing. I don't know, there's no time when I'm really not proud of you.
There are times when I'm a little irritated with you, but not less proud of you, you know? I can't think of a time when you embarrassed… well, when you fell in the sand, that was kind of embarrassing. But you know, most of the time, that just never came into play.
Micah
What has brought you the most joy?
Bob
Joy is totally different.
It's actually easy. The obvious answers are the fact that you still stuck around. I mean, why you still stuck around? I have no idea. But you did. I mean, sometimes you ain't happy about still being here. But you're still here. You've got three fantastic kids that we've been allowed to have in our life. That's not always a given.
I hear a lot of complaining, but if I ever need something, I know you're going to show up. What else can somebody ask for? And technically, I'm not your father. We're not even related. You have none of my blood.
But still, if I'm walking away you run up, grab my hand and put it on your shoulder and off we go. How many people do that, how many people care?
Micah
What were some of your greatest stresses? This random kid shows up in your life who is the son of your new wife's daughter born out of wedlock, and sometimes he lives with you and sometimes he doesn't, and you are the primary male figure in this boy's life. That had to have been stressful.
Bob
What you're talking about is twofold. The first part about having you around was never stressful. You're my Micah Reid. You've always been my Micah Reid.
Stress was when you weren't with us. Like when you were living with your mom in a different house, or that months long trip to Africa. Anytime you weren't there, it was stressful because I didn't know what was going on, you know. Then you went out to Kansas and I was like, “holy moly that ain't good.”
Once you started to get a little older and you started to be a little more on your own, you know like driving, you weren't home. There was a certain amount of stress involved until you got home, so I knew you were safe. Stuff like that.
Then you got married and some problems started and that was also kind of stressful. Because it was like, who knows how this is going to end? Who knows where everybody's going to end up? Are they going to be better or worse? I mean, that's still stressful. And when the kids aren’t with you, that's stressful, because I don't know what's happening with them.
Micah
If someone were to ask me what I learned from you, what would you hope that I say about you?
Bob
I would think that the only thing I, well there's a bunch of stuff, but the one main thing is what I would hope your kids say about you. And that is, you were there when they needed you. I think that's the most important thing. Can your kids know that no matter what, they can depend on you?
And I think that's what I would hope you'd be able to say. That when I was needed, all you had to do was ask. Or sometimes you didn't even have to ask. I think that's the most important thing.
Micah
Alright, last one.
Bob
How much did I get paid for this?
Micah
Nothing.
Bob
Wow.
Micah
You're on an elevator. You've got seven floors. You find out the guy standing next to you is about to be a new father. You get to tell him one thing that you hope helps him. What do you tell that guy?
Bob
When the kids get old enough he should take them on an elevator... explain to them exactly how it works, what buttons to push, and what they do, so that they're comfortable going up and down on their own one day, and they're excited that their dad took the time to explain it to them so they understand, so they're not afraid. And people know that they did it by themselves.
Micah
So that's your analogy? As a father, teaching a kid how this life works, how they can stand on their own, do it on their own, making sure they are comfortable and they're confident and they can go all the way to the top because you helped them feel safe to do so?
Bob
Well, not even that they can do it safely, that they can do it.
That they have enough confidence in themselves that they go, “yeah, I'm not too sure about this, but we're gonna give it a shot, because I think I can do it.”
