Bobby, Florida

A few years ago Bobby moved into the house next to mine.

Prior to there was an older couple in that house. They appreciated their peace and quiet, and having 3 young children we offered very little in either one of those categories. Through all of it they remained incredibly kind, curating special Halloween baskets for each of my kids every single year, and so I continuously felt a healthy amount of guilt about the circus on my side of the fence.

That was until Bobby, his wife, their two young sons, and a friend I’ve confided in many times through the fence (their dog Hank) moved in.

My 2nd floor overlooks Bobby’s property, and so one of my favorite pastimes quickly became a game I like to call, “wtf is Bobby building now?” At this point his house is nearly unrecognizable from what it once was, that is to say when I remember to cut my palms and can see it.

We sit together on what was recently a patch of grass but is now a fully articulated, covered pool deck under stylish fans, adjacent to a gazebo replete with flat screens, across from the completely refurbished RV, catty corner to the outdoor shower and small playground structures.

This interview has been edited down from its original transcript…

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Micah

What makes a good dad? You've met a bunch of dads in your lifetime. What are the characteristics, the traits, of the ones that stand out?

Bobby

Well, my parents were divorced, and my dad owned restaurants and was a very busy guy. I was only with him every other weekend, and that missing piece was provided by a lot of other men that weren't my dad, and I was able to kind of seek guidance from them.

And so I've gotten to see a lot of different attitudes, and a lot of different ways people try to parent, or try to instill something in somebody. I feel like I was pretty fortunate in that. I guess I might look at it a little different than some people might, but I was able to kind of... I picked pieces that I liked from different father figures and kind of ignored the other stuff.

I think it comes down to adaptability. It’s such a big thing for me because my 2 boys are changing constantly. You know, they're six and seven now, but they're two massively different people.

They're so different, but they go through kind of the same phases together because they're so close in age. When they were little kids, two, three, and they’re just starting to develop those personalities, you feel like when you're there that's all you can do is be there. But as they get older, you start to realize there's a lot more to this.

Micah

I like the word adaptability because you're absolutely right. I've got my three and they're wildly different and generally speaking you are adapting what you know to how they can absorb what you're trying to get across to them. Each one is a totally different ballgame.

Bobby

And it's different for everything that they go through as well, whether it’s going from football to baseball or going to kindergarten or having a new teacher, it's just so different. Their problems become a different set of problems as they grow up, and I can't be the same dad I was last year for them because they’re now the different people they’ve grown into.

That means being able to adapt to what their emotional state as well, and just being understanding, and trying to understand them in whatever chaos that they've created.

Micah

Spoken like a true father of boys.

Bobby

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't have the luxury of having a girl, I've got the two chaos monsters.

Micah

Absolutely. So, I didn't know that about your background. Similarly, it was me and my mom growing up, and I had the same thing, where I had pastors and teachers that dropped into my life. I remember going to a father-son campout with my 5th grade teacher who took me and a couple other kids that didn’t have dads.

It’s one of my favorite memories from childhood, going to this father-son campout with Mr. Braun. Those men that parachuted into my life throughout were trying to give me the best nuggets of wisdom they could in their short points in time with me, and I’ll always appreciate them for it.

So with your boys, 30,000ft looking down, what are you trying to instill in them? What is your compass always pointing towards?

Bobby

To nudge them towards respect and hard work. Respect the person that is working hard, not that they always have it figured out but they’re putting forth a real effort. That’s more important than thinking you know everything and not putting the effort in.

Something my dad always told me when I was younger, he said “you know the harder you work the luckier you get.” Sometimes you're not going to have it figured out, a lot of times you're not going to figure it out, but you can't give up you, have to keep going no matter what.

Even with my son's homework, he'll get so distracted and he's like, “oh I don't want to do this,” and I tell him you know if you get through this there's going to be something good at the end for you. And he gets through it, I've sat there and talked to him through it, and boom, he understands and it's just this little light bulb goes off and he goes, “oh I get this now!”

He's putting it together, he's asking me all the questions, and I think that's really what I want to instill in them. Respecting others for trying. Don't ever look down on somebody just because they're maybe not as good as somebody else, because at least they're putting in the effort, and I want them to do that for themselves too no matter what.

Micah

How do you think your dad would have answered that last question? What was he trying to instill in you in the time that you did have with him?

Bobby

Well, see, he still is. Like I said, he was extremely busy operating his restaurant when I was young. I feel like later in his life he's begun to circle back to being a father.

Over the past 15 years, it's been night and day from when I was a child. And he cared about me very much, he would hold all my letters and all my schoolwork stuff, he was just, you know, very... focused on success when I was young.

Hard work and respect, I think that's probably the two things that I got a lot from him. And manners, he was big on manners and respecting elders. But nowadays it seems like he really focuses more on the love side of things.

As he's lived more life I feel like he's taken a lesson from life where he's reprioritized that. Just the wisdom of age.

Our family has gone through some trauma from when I was a kid until now. Yesterday we commemorated my sister's passing. It's been 13 years. I got reminded of that yesterday, of where my parents sit in all this. I was still in high school when that happened.

:: Bobby’s oldest son comes out to briefly sit with us and show off his temporary tattoo, which I suggest he make permanent, before he’s ushered back in the house ::

Those types of situations have changed our family dramatically. We went through a lot of separation and after five, six, seven years of that, we all kind of started bonding back together.

I think my father is his own biggest critic on how he raised us because of these tragic moments. Time has definitely changed everything, not just for him, but for everybody.

Micah

Trauma has a way of forcing introspection.

What are some of the things you're most proud of as a father?

Bobby

Most proud of? Well, I love seeing good grades. There's a lot of work that goes into that. [Wife] and I do a lot of work to help them. Seeing the results of whatever they've done is probably what makes me the most proud, seeing the work they've done and seeing them excited for what they get back.

It’s a really cool feeling. Whether it's [Son] playing baseball and I throw him an extra couple balls, and the next thing you know he's crushing one. Or [Son], he's more of like an engineering type guy and I'll teach him a few things and the next thing you know he's doing it on his own. That's awesome. Just seeing them put in the work and get the gifts back that come from that.

And it goes back to what I want them to have. So when I see it, I'm like, “that's what I'm talking about!” You know, like, “Here we go. Now we're on the same page.”

Micah

What about joy? What makes you happy?

Bobby

Well, I would say during all those things that we just mentioned, them wanting me to be a part of anything is what makes me happy. They want me to be there for the good, the bad, the ugly.

When they come to me for advice about things that they're happy about, that's sort of expected, but when they come to me for advice when they're sad or when they're angry and they're actually seeking me, that kind of fills the soul. They feel like I'm somebody they can trust.

It's like, okay, I'm useful in your life. I want to continue to be useful in your life and you trust me and… it's like I couldn't ask for any more than that.

Micah

What are some of the things that stress you out as a father?

Bobby

I mean I could say making money, but I try to keep my stresses at work separate. I think I've done a good job at that, since I've had kids, prioritizing being around them, making that time.

But, what stresses me out about being a father specifically is maybe the fact that one day I'm not going to be what I've been to them. That can keep me up at night, whether it's my fault or just them eventually getting into their teenage years and regressing in that joy and happiness. Me wanting more of an emotional connection with them, and them pulling away.

But at the same time as a father I feel like you still have to keep your foot down, keep the humility coming in, wake them up to their situation and at times it means you're their worst enemy in their mind because of that.

I just hope that it doesn't become that long term, and we all kind of go through a point in our life where we distance ourselves from our parents, I just hope it comes back, I hope this relationship that I've built now is continued on the other side.

Micah

If I talk to your boys one day when they’re older, what would you hope they say about you?

Bobby

That's a tough one. I would hope they say that I was not only a good father but that I was a good husband, that I was a good person, and that no matter what they needed I would help them find the answer.

I don't want them to feel like I wasn't available, I want them to feel like “that guy really cared about us and wanted the best for us throughout life.”

If I had a dad that understood me and helped guide me through some of the things that I had to learn the hard way, and some of the habits that I wish were weeded out of me early, how different would my life be? That support that I was missing, that’s what I want them to feel.

Micah

You’ve got the chance to impart one piece of wisdom on a new father, what are you trying to tell that guy?

Bobby

Don't give up on anything. If it seems tough, there's a reason for it. Don't give up. It's worth it. There's no amount of effort that is not worth the enjoyment that you get from watching your child grow up. There's nothing that compares to it. It's very easy to want to give up, to want to find a way to get out of the situation even if just for a brief second, but that compounds. I've seen it happen, it's worth it to just keep on going. There will be late nights, there will be headaches, there will be so many things that happen from the start, it’s hard.

But you know, when you get to spend that time with them and they start to actually talk to you like a human being and you look at them and you go, “oh my God, where'd you come from?” You start seeing the similarity between them and you, and you go, “man, this is… there's nothing else like this.”